What Love Means To Me...

What love means to me...
When I picture my life with my soul mate/life partner I see a handsome man. I see a nice house, car, a few children. I see us both in our careers and we are very happy. However, there is a flip side to that. I do not necessarily have to be with a man because that's what society potrays.I am very open about my sexuality. Does that make me a lesbian?? No, it makes me aware of my likes and dislikes. I am a strong believer of "Never Say Never". You cannot help who and what you are attracted to. We all have an energy that connects one person to another for whatever reason. Sometimes it's worth exploring and sometimes it's not. In the end be with whom ever makes you happy. It's not always about the gender of the person, race, color,  social class status, financial status ect. It should be solely based on your connection with that person. It's also about how happy you are to be in the presences of the one you admire, adore & love. I never veiw love as beneficial. I always veiw it as free, honest, friendly, and forever growing. Love has no color or any of those things I mentioned. Though it is an action word. Love has always been free. Give love because you have it to give. Not because you want to benefit from what you have given. I love hard & I love very deeply. I have a free spirit. I am unlike any other human being. I am me. I see things in others that they may not see in themselves. I sense others needs just by looking in there face. However, as I have experienced failed relationships & friendship, I am aware of all that I could have done differently. I am aware that some people are just solely meant for you to experience, grow from and move on. As I get older, I become less unapologetic about who I am and who I am going to be. Love has always been the filter in my life. I love me, but not as much as I love to love others. My love comes from giving to others. Sometimes I give too much and I surely have a hard time receiving love. I have much more to learn and a lot more to experience so that I can continue to grow. I am love and love is me. What does love mean to you??

Forgive When Your Ready...

Forgiving those who hurt you so deep is hard. However, until you forgive you will continue to hold on to that past experience and hurt. Sometimes we become use to the hurt that we are afraid to forgive. We are afraid of what forgiveness will feel like. Forgiveness is not for the one who hurt you it's for YOU!!. You release all that you have experienced and felt from being hurt. You will be free from all hurt and your heart will feel so much lighter. Forgiveness free's you and makes more room for you to receive love and regain happiness. It is hard to forgive and it won't happen overnight. Therefore, when you are ready to forgive, be ready to leave all past experiences and hurt behind for good. I think I am approaching the realm of forgiveness. Not quite there but I am headed in that direction. Always forgive those who hurt you so you can move forward in life. Today is a perfect day to start. Stay blessed. Forgive when your ready!!

Something for Nothing

Some men want something for nothing. They expect so much when they're offering so little. What happen to a man perusing a woman?? I really don't want to believe that chivalry is dead. I want to be courted. Is that too much to ask?? Well, it sure as hell seems like it. Don't text me at 12am asking me do I want to chill. Because the answer is no (more like HELL NO). You have not offered to take me out nor have you followed through with the offer that you made previously. Be honest, you don't really want to chill at that time of morning. The dating scence is very dry and boring. Some men have no interest in dating. They're just looking for the next "thing" to test drive. I am not interested in being just another number in your phone. I am trying to become someone's wife. I don't have time to guess what you mean or to figure out what you tryna say. Just be clear, be honest. Let a sista know if you just trying to get something for nothing. I have no more time to waste. I have wasted enough. I know what I want and what I can handle. Dealing with BS is not in my credentials. I don't owe you anything and vice versa. I need a grown man,not a grown boy. 

Sincerely,
A grown ass woman :)

I Forgive Me...

I forgive myself for loving you when I should've been loving me
Who knew this love would hurt me so deep
So consumed with being the best women I could be
When all along you weren't deserving of me
I forgive me for staying when I should've let
Baby you were like rehab
I needed some help
All I wanted was to be understood
For you to love me like no other man could
I realize that you didn't appreciate what I had to offer
Yet you kept reaching for my offerings
I forgive me for accepting way less than what I deserve
You were like a disease with no cure
I became my own bad habit
I got caught in the mist of my own traffic
I was ready to reek havick
But then I had to forgive me
I loved you endlessly and repeatedly When baby you weren't loving me
You chose your friends numerous time
I spent a lot of alone time
I wanted to be happy as your wife
Too many broken promises
No consistency in your actions
I was stuck in a real life fatal attraction
It didn't need a caption
Looking in the mirror with eye's full of tears
Saying damn...how could I let this happen
I wish you would have wiped my tears
All along you had disappeared
I was left to figure some shit out
Without a doubt this ship had begin to set sail
Then I been to forgive me for experiencing such misery
The pain started to disappear as I had to face my own fears
A women like me shouldn't be sleeping alone

Happily Single!!

It's been along time coming. I have stayed and went back & forth in a relationship with someone who was unaware of my value. I am worth more than what I was allowing myself to experience. However, I was given this test repeatedly until I passed. I finally got tired. Only you know when it's time to move on and you don't look back. I am fully aware of my role that I played. I take full responsibility for all the pain I endured. If I blame the other person, how does that help me heal?? The thing is, it doesn't. I am in the process of healing because I understand why I stayed when I should have left. I understand why I continued to give when he still did not appreciate what I was offering. Through all the hurt there was a lesson for me to learn. I have wounds, but those wounds will heal and become scars. Those scars will be proof that I am a fighter and I have learned from this lesson and passed the test. I still love him. However, I love me more. So now I am choosing to love him from a distance. You can be an amazing women all day but if that  man isn't ready for the kind of women that you are, then you're wasting your time. I am choosing my happiness over  trying to make someone else happy. You will drain yourself emotionally trying to be everything to someone who is not deserving of what you have to offer. I love extremely hard and most women do. We just have to know how to decipher when and who to love hard. Every man is not worthy of your love or your time. I look back and reflect but I look forward with no regrets. I am truly "Happily Single". I am choosing Me. I will focus on becoming a "Better Me". No one will love you, more than You. Sincerely,
Loving Me :-)

When is enough...Enough??

Hurt people hurt people. So if your hurting within,  then you'll hurt me. If I love you and I don't hurt you, then why would you hurt me?? Why do we continuously love those who hurt us?? Why do we hurt the ones who love us?? When will loving ourselves be enough?? When will letting go of the hurt we have endored be easier to do then just saying it?? In life we are going to experience all kinds of things. The one that seems to be constant is being hurt by someone we love or loving some one who is hurting us. I know that we don't enjoy this pain. Are we  simply putting that much trust and faith in someone's words instead of there actions?? Do we honestly beleive that this hurt will magically end and this person won't hurt us again. Or does our love for someone gives us a reason to feel that this hurt is worth experiencing?? I say this to say, why are we so subsustible to pain from the one's we love?? No one deserves to be hurt on purpose, repeatedly. Yes, we all make mistakes but when you have hurt someone numerous times in the same way, your doing it on purpose, and saying I am sorry is just not good enough.

Newly Single...Not Sure if I am ready to Date

I'm newly single and I am embracing it quite well. However, I kinda have a wall up. I do not want to allow myself to be hurt again. It's only been a week and I kinda already miss the good things about being in a relationship. I miss being wanted and missed by him. I miss cooking for him, back rubs and cuddling. Date nights and random surprises. I want to date but I am not sure if I am ready for it just yet. I must say I am much happier single. No worrying about where he is, no broken promises, no argument about the same shit lol. No feelings of being unappreciated. I wake up excited about life and not being stressed. I am loving being single. I have more time for myself. I have time to do the things I love to do. I just get to solely focus on Me and that's an amazing feeling. As far as dating, I will take baby steps. If it happens cool if not cool. I am staying completely optimistic and positive about it. Single and loving it :)

Growing Up Without a Daddy: How It Affects Your Relationships With Men

I didn't grow up with my biological father in my life. I had male figures here and there but none of them were constant and my relationships with them were not so great. So as I got older and I begin to have relationships with  men, I did not have a clear understanding/example of what it was like to be treated by a man. I had watched movies and dreamed of fairy tales of what it was like to be loved and or treated by a man but I had never experienced it first hand. As I grew more, I entered into a world where there were many different men of all ages, cultures, religions ect. I was curious as to what It was like to be with a man. 

I was looking for a man to feel safe and secure with. A protector, a provider, a shoulder to lean on, cry on, to make me happy. To support me, guide me, console me. I was looking for too much in a man that I didn't even know. I had a misconception of what a "Real" man was. I had an idea of what he was suppose to do and how he was suppose to treat me but I had no idea as to what to expect or look for. As I sit here typing this...I am having a recap of all of my pass intimate relationships with men have been like. In each relationship I was essentially looking for my "Daddy" in all of these men. I was allowing myself to be hurt in various ways because I had a pre -misconception of what a real man was. 

As my relationship of 3 1/2 yrs. has come to an end. I have realized that in a relationship with a man... a real man you should not have to beg for time. You shouldn't have to ask for him to take you out. You should never feel unappreciated. You should be treated like a queen. You should come before his friends. Sex and money should not be a patch for all broken promises. He should be a man of his word. His actions should speak louder than anything else. Growing up without your biological father as a women, has a tremendous impact on your interactions and relationships with all men. 

When you don't have a clear understanding or example of what its like to be treated by a man you become vulnerable to accepting anything your given for a small piece of what you need .You struggle with what you deserve. You don't understand your worth and how precious your spirit and body are. Your looking for love in all the wrong places. You allow yourself to be hurt numerous times. You yearn for a man's acceptance, flaws and all. You look for his approval first instead of your own. You love him deeply instead of loving yourself first. You give him all you have to offer and forget to save some for yourself.  Encourage him to become a better man. Hoping he will change and become the man you have dreamed of. 

When in reality you should seek some of these qualities in yourself so you can attract a man of such character. However, once you have an understanding of what has caused you to experience situations like this multiple times in various relationship, its time to change. Its time to become a better you. Its time to value, love, understand your worth and recognize what you deserve. It's not easy ladies but it must be done. Be self-approved and stop looking for approval in every man you meet. And every man you meet can never replace your father nor repair the damage of you being a product of a fatherless child. 

Love Ya:)